And that is why I'm posting it here. Purely selfish reason of wanting to type it out and re-digest it. I've read That Hideous Strength (the third book in the C.S. Lewis space trilogy) before, but it was early on in marriage. There are sections of this book (as I think with most Lewis books) that speak directly to marriage in a way that is probably akin to "convicting" but feels something more positive than that. Of course, me in my prideful quest to attain knowledge of all kinds am often energized when I read something that rings bells of truth. Something that's so solid I can feel it, have surely experienced some aspect of it-likely failing at whatever concept I've come across. This is one of those passages in a "sci-fi" book that speaks to the reality of love in marriage that I imagine most, if not every, married couple comes across. I have said similar things as Jane: "I suppose our marriage was just a mistake". I've felt similar abstract contempt for my husband. And on a few very rare occasions I've heeded to obedience and experienced a growth in love as a result. I wish I was more motivated to repeat that pattern in the moments where the challenge to love him presents itself, but all the motivation in the world seems to fail me more often than not. Anyhow, here it is.
"Child," said the Director, " it is not a question of how you or I look on marriage, but how my Masters look on it."
"Someone said they were very old fashioned. But-"
"That was a joke. They are not old fashioned; but they are very, very old."
"They would never think of finding out first whether Mark and I believed in their ideas of marriage?"
"Well-no," said the Director with a curious smile." No. Quite definitely they wouldn't think of doing that."
"And would it make no difference to them what a marriage was actually like-whether it was a success? Whether the woman loved her husband?"
Jane had not exactly intended to say this; much less to say it in the cheaply pathetic tone with, it now seemed to her, she had used. Hating herself, and fearing the Director's silence, she added, "But I suppose you will say I oughtn't to have told you that."
"My dear child, " said the Director, "you have been telling me that ever since your husband was mentioned."
"Does it make no difference?"
"I suppose," said the Director, it would depened on how he lost your love.
Jane was silent. Though she could not tell the Director the truth, and indeed, did not know it herself, yet when she tried to explore her inarticulate grievance against Mark, a novel sense of her own injustice and even of pity for her husband, arose in her mind. And her heart sank, for now it seemed to her that this conversation, to which she had vaguely looked for some sort of deliverance from all problems was in fact involving her in new ones.
"It was not his fault," she said at last. "I suppose our marriage was just a mistake."
The Director said nothing.
"What would you-what would the people you are talking of-say about a case like that?"
"I will tell you if you really want to know," said the Director.
"Please,"said Jane reluctantly.
"They would say," he answered, "that you do not fail in obedience through lack of love, but have lost love because you never attempted obedience."
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