The final countdown

We are in our last few days here in Philadelphia. It doesn't quite feel real yet, perhaps because we've been anticipating it for quite some time now. I do have a bit of that last minute hesitation tugging at me, of course. I guess that always happens right before a big change is coming. We've been expecting this, but it's still "unknown" and slightly bizarre, and the Philadelphia house surely brings a flood of memories across the emotional spectrum to mind. It's hard to leave behind in some ways.

I can't even begin to describe the changes that have taken place in us as individuals and as a married couple since we rooted ourselves in Hunting Park 2.5 years ago. We were only engaged when we bought the house, excited to own something together, to being a new life after Eastern/college life and move forward.

Jonathan will likely post about his own reflections-from teaching at Fels and what not, so I guess I'll just share some of what's gone on in my brain during our time here. When we moved in, I was a fresh graduate from a sociology program where I had been challenged to look at the systems in place in our society-both the good and the bad. I tend to take up rebellious causes, goodness knows why, I have a feeling its my blood...so I was coming from a perspective of feeling like the government sentenced these inner city folks to death essentially, and we "middle class" white americans had much to do to make things right. It was wrong to amass wealth, and quite a righteous pursuit to spend life toiling in the inner city hoping to bring about change. It was rather self-righteous to say the least. Over the past few years of living here, I've been on a humbling trip of learning about the full color of life-especially of that specific inner city environment and where we find "our place" in the midst of it. It's been liberating to discover the truth, or just the "rest of the story" and really learn of the fullness of redemption and change. It'd been amazing to rediscover the truth about God's people responding to poverty and injustice, and the broad spectrum of humanity which those things infect. "Rich" people who are emotionally and spirtually barren, doing all sorts of stuff I used to say was "Evil" and yea...still think is pretty messed up but I can now see their own unfortunate circumstances as well. They need specific ministry and redemption in their own ways. I've lived on the block with the "poor" people who I used to think couldn't help themselves. I still think there are unequal starting points in life for everyone, and certain populations face ridiculous challenges that the rest of us just don't...but I've also seen evil at work in holding these people back from making the many changes they ARE able to make. I've seen them repeatedly make choices that impede their progress and they willingly accept the level of life they are at. It's impressed upon me the truly radical task of not being a "rescue mission" but living life with people-whomever the neighbors are-and sharing a challenging example.

I don't know how else to put everything into words. In many ways, a black-and-white world has become not "Gray" but colorful in the sense that opportunities to minister and bring change are simply everywhere. I found myself in a business environment, working with both the white collor office folks who are generally "doing alright" in the sense of material success, and the below-blue-collar immigrant workers who are fighting to survive in the sense of material success. I've failed miserably in setting an example in so many ways-falling to the dysfunctional environment that exists here and lacking love for many people who need it...but the reality I've seen is that both "Sides" of this building are in need of some sort of love and redemption and no side more than the other. I've become intrigued by the possibility of impacting the "bigwigs" (as my mom calls corporate folks) and watching them consequentially impact the many people under their influence. Who knows WHY on earth this "DUH" idea hadn't made sense to me in college-probably because it's harder to love people who you feel are doing something wrong.?. Either way, it's ironic that my time in the city was not spent doing lots of "inner city ministry" as I had once thought it would be. It's been spent working through the realities of marriage, and renewing my mind through experiences in south jersey and elsewhere. I guess the ultimate irony is that we now find ourselves moving back to the suburbs, an environment I once swore to never revisit because of this, that and the other thing...and my experience in the city has prepared me to make that move and enter that community with a completely different heart and perspective. It's like my stay in a foreign world has prepared me to return home much more whole than I left it. I'm pretty harsh and judging sometimes, I can't say I'm suddenly "innocent" of those things of course, but I do feel like I have a much better understanding of "the way things work" and will not enter the suburbs with this self-righteous hammer banging people around until they "get" whatever it is I think is important at the moment. Well, I'm sure that will happen sometimes but I know better than to think I'll get away with it!

I know I have much to learn still, and hopefully always will, geez I'm not even a parent yet...that opens up an entire universe I haven't ventured into! But Philadelphia, you've taught me a lot that I never even knew I needed to learn. Most likely, no other environment would have taught me these things because I would not have been a willing student. The city teaches by force and I guess that's just my sad learning style sometimes, ha. Go through denial for a time and then finally realize ok, I have to figure this out...it's not what I thought it was and clearly, i'm not getting it. Ha, come to think of it I guess marriage has worked similarly...thankfully, we responded to the "forceful" instruction and figured it out!

So this house in Philly, I will miss it greatly. It has become a monument for so many "victories" we've experienced in life in the past few years. From intense fights where we thought the world as we knew it was ending, to watching a neighbor's house burn and poor little kids not knowing where on earth they would end up living now, to fun "Office Nights" with a variety of friends sharing food and laughter, to who knows HOW MANY cats being nursed back to health and sent to loving homes (or kept...and moving to Allentown!), to humbling conversations where we've peeled off layers of selfishness and callousness and opened ourselves up to the beauty of grace in marriage. And now...to the blank walls and a few peices of furniture we're leaving, hopefully carrying on the "legacy" of that house to serve the Lord (it's belonged to someone from the church for 10 years now). In many ways, I think this time in Philadelphia will feel like a dream, unreal. Lots of what we've seen and heard and experienced here are things you see on the news or in movies, but never in "reality"...I wonder how it will feel for those things to fade away as we leave them and for that line of reality to be blurred.

Well, this is FAR too long. But I wanted to write something or other that at least I can look back on in a year. And really it's the heaviest thing on my mind right now....the future is a step away, few days, but I'm stuck sort of staring at the past few years here and wanting to soak it all in and never forget what we've learned. It's been an amazing experience.