Keeping up

Our daughter is now 4 months old (well, tomorrow "officially") and we clearly suck at keeping up with the blog. I guess I got bored of posting "baby stats". Some days I have massive amounts of time to think through life and record excerpts of the flow of thoughts that passes through my brain, some days I barely have time to even identify what it is I'm thinking of. So it goes. I'm sure the whole world can relate.

In sticking to the title of this entry, "keeping up", I've been overwhelmed again and again with how much we live to keep up with some strange standard of "good" here in America. I'm sure it's everywhere, it's just that a more simple country's standard seems like vacation for us because it's so easy for us to attain their "standard" here. At any rate, the baby world is insanely excessive and competitive. These little humans could care less how they're dressed, how big they are, how many toys they have-well, as long as they're entertained-and the parents are psycho's about making sure their kid wins the silent competition of who's the biggest, cutest dressed baby on the block. I am entertained by Amaris's clothing of course, but it's just upsetting to me how quickly we get sucked into wanting or buying things that are really completely unnecessary just because it seems like the "norm." Sort of drives me nuts....mentally constantly filtering the needs from the wants-due-to-lack-of-analyzing-the-purpose. That was way too many hyphens.

This clearly isn't anything new, and I'd like to believe that most people have thought about this weird scenario before. Sadly I guess many people haven't, which is why it persists with such shameless force in our society. I'm just curious as to why we constantly choose to continue living the way we do even when we have repeated "revelations" about how silly it all is. It's funny how the pioneering spirit of America, the spirit of Individualism, all these things we patriotically brag about and claim to be the foundations of our country have essentially become sort of old school. The "rugged individuals" are now marginalized, to pursue something radically different than your suburban neighbors is essentially taboo because it might make them uncomfortable, and we don't have the energy to pioneer..it's much easier, and "practical" to take someone else's advice and follow their example.

I guess those people who moved out west before California was a state were considered renegades and idiots at first by their comfy colonial communities, too. It's just interesting that we now hail them as heroic pioneers. Most ironic of all, these "rugged individuals" set up camp in one of the places in our country that has a rather hypocritical claim to "individualism" LA, Hollywood, etc. Come "be yourself" but make sure you fit in. Wear your hair this way, clothes that way, make-up this way, body shape that way. Yikes. I still don't get how that all works out...how a culture founded on the freedom of art has become such a confining, pretentious and relatively shallow community. Analyzing films and books but not their own lives, being super proactive about animal rights and human rights but not trying to figure out if they're actually doing what is right. I guess that sounds harsh...and is. And obviously it's a very generalized statement that in no way applies to every person in California or the west, or New York or whatever. I just don't understand how a community that supposedly appreciates diversity inadvertently puts pressure on the rest of society to maintain a very specific-albeit unrealistic and unnatural-appearance and presence. People live to "keep up" with the fashion, the real estate, and the youthful mask of celebrities without giving a second thought to the sense behind it. Weird. In the suburbs, it also translates into keeping your kids up to speed with those things, even if they don't care.

Again, nothing new...it's just been bothering me lately as I consider how we raise Amaris-especially as a female in a country where you're encouraged to be "yourself" but make sure you're beautiful, thin, and "successful" while doing so. I can't stand the fact that I feel sort of weird and worried about how we will explain to people that we don't plan on celebrating Christmas by buying her gifts, and aren't going to throw her a princess birthday party at Sweet 'n' Sassy-geez I don't even think I'd want her to attend a party there. Somehow we are stuck trying to explain why we don't think it's necessary to follow everyone else's lead, and parents will look at us strangely, even get angry with us, for challenging their way of life, no matter how quietly we try to explain it.

Ok that is all. This is long and likely boring. Hopefully it doesn't come across all prideful and judging. It really is just a mess of what's on my mind as I consider the impressionable mold of Amaris's mind, and how I am overwhelmingly responsible for shaping it.

and she is huge

halloween

modeling a new outfit


directing an orchestra


a day at the spa (well, her little whale bathtub anyway)

So Amaris has gained 3lbs and grown 2 inches since her 1 week check in. She likes to eat, what can I say? She's doing really well...has her days, but for the most part, is a good little baby. From the start she was going 3 hours between feedings at night, and now she's doing anywhere from 4-6 first, and then 3-4 hours from there on out. So we're feeling more rested these days, though she's WIDE AWAKE nearly all day, and ends up quite fussy at some point because she's overstimulated and often boycotts naps. She looks like she's taking in everything she can, which shouldn't be too much at this point, but she's determined to watch soccer games, ice skating and skiing on tv whether she can see it completely or not. She loves meeting new people-forget napping when new people are around...she just wants to sit there and listen to everything they have to say. She has smiled at Jonathan several times, and smiled when she heard Nani's (my mom) voice on the phone, but for me? NOoooo...just associates me with milk right now apparently. Which is a nice association, we all love food, but I hope to be a human instead of a cow to her one day soon and receive some gracious smiles. Sure would make it easier to hack the frowning days.

Anyhow, her nap (YES, she napped, a rare gem of an event during the day) is about to end and I will be called upon for food, so that's all for now.

to clear things up about the name "onyn" (notice, NOT spelled onAn)

just so you all know, if we had a boy and named it ONYN, it is quite different than the biblical name of ONAN. does not mean anything nasty. its turkish and means "prosperous". recently i've learned that many people were under the impression that our boy name was the same thing as the crappy biblical name of onAN. so.......though you're all quite relieved that amaris came along instead of onyn, just wanted you to know were not THAT stupid and wouldn't name the kid something with a poor meaning. sorry, slightly offended that it seems everyone thinks these things and no one asks us about them directly. GLAD we had a girl or apparently the entire world would think were thoughtless parents...

pics and updates

These are some initial pics of Amaris Helen. Lounge time with daddy (soccer game of course)...at birth in the hospital...all bundled up in the hospital..and weighing in at a hearty 8lbs 15oz (they round up apparently). It takes FOREVER to upload pics to this blog, so they may not be in abundance. Facebook is much faster.

At any rate...current updates...all is well really. She's doing quite well breast feeding, despite the annoyance of over-full breasts, yay. She's quite easily contented so far, for the most part-especially if she's sitting in her little vibrating infant seat. Those things work magic for awhile (until true hunger or some other valid discomfort takes over). The cats are adjusting, some more easily than others. Mommy and daddy are having fun learning what on earth to do to take care of our little Padawan Learner (and yes, still citing Star Wars)-actually, speaking of Star Wars, a principle in Jedi training has come in quite handy for helping us to keep our sanity. Anikan Skywalker is constantly warned throughout his training to not think of the future, but to live in the present. Thinking of the future can lead to fear, which is the path to the "Dark Side." I definitely subscribe to this motto. This is a time when the "future" is something Jonathan and I can't quite even grasp-not only because today holds enough for us to try to understand and experience, but also because in difficult moments fear does take over, or discouragement or whatever. Of course, we can think of fun times to come when she smiles on purpose instead of involuntarily, and she starts to see the world and ask questions...all of those things. But otherwise, yea, those Jedi are smart. Stay away from fear of the unknown, the unpromised, the possible but not probable, all of these things. Then I guess we can add the biblical principle of thinking on things that are lovely and true, pure,noble, good, etc...and casting cares on the Lord instead of getting overwhelmed by what we feel we can't handle.

sorry, inpromptu speech on how we're handling the trademark stresses of not getting much sleep and trying to learn this new way of living and satisfying someone who can't quite talk or clearly communicate. It's going well...pray for our persistence and energy of course.

That's all for now...Padawan has decided it's time to eat.

If you want the details of how it all went down...

I'm so amazed at how God works outside of our expectations and creates better situations than what we can imagine for ourselves. When they told me I was scheduled for induction, I was glad the end was in sight but sort of upset. The anticipation of the surprise moment when labor begins is just fun...and even though we had gone through the week of being past-due and were becoming almost indifferent to "waiting", we were still sort of disappointed that there would be no surprise and we had an official date set for this birth. Turns out, I'm SO GLAD it worked out this way. We got to enjoy our last night "alone" together Monday and Tuesday morning as actually fun...waking up knowing what was going to happen that day. Plus, I think it put me in a sort of "surrender" mode and made me much more flexible. I wasn't "set" on a natural delivery...just wanted to see how far I could go naturally and experience the pain because well, it's just part of it right? Knowing I was to be given pitocin I had mentally prepared to have an epidural because I knew there was a possibility for some unnaturally intense contractions, at least from what I had heard. My docs turned out to have a great perspective on inductions-take it super slow and don't create an artificially intense situation. At any rate, I was much more open to, actually was counting on, the epidural, instead of being determined to hold it off as long as possible.

My nurse was superfantastic, I had met her earlier in the week actually during some non-stress testing. Had the perfect balance of historically working with midwives but bridging over to the hospital setting, so she was a great match. Pitocin started at 815 am and progress, regarding dilating, was pretty slow until they broke my water around 1-1:30 (I think this is what time it was???). Throughout the morning I was allowed to do yoga, sit on a birthing ball, walk around as far as my cords would let me, etc. We worked and breathed through contractions as they grew. Contraction just before water breaking was minor....contraction immediately following water breaking was ridiculously more intense. So crazy. They say that's what happens...I just wouldn't have believed how drastic the change was without experiencing it for myself. They just got increasingly intense from then on, and rapidly...the monitor just looked like a bunch of waves with no breaks in between. They dropped my pitocin level, which was already very conservative, but by then I had realized that I was not interested in going through this pain for what could potentially be several hours. Since things had been moving slowly all morning, I figured I could go on like this until late that night, which just didn't seem sustainable for me. I was already on IV because of pitocin so I opted to try Statol (no idea if that is spelled correctly) first, which was supposed to "take the edge off." Well, I felt like I was half asleep, which was sort of entertaining, but it doesn't do much to help with pain from contractions. They intensified and I decided to call in for an epidural since the anesthesiologist isn't always available right away. Fortunately, she came up within like 20 minutes. The Statol was a great help here..I HATE needles. I've always dreaded an epidural, even when I said I was never having kids. The statol had me so drugged up in the head that it took away the anxiety and allowed me to just focus on my breathing to steady myself through contractions while they did the epidural. Again, the nurse was amazingly helpful here, and the whole process went off without a hitch, even through some major contractions.

The drugs took a bit to kick in, and then they had to add more here and there because it wasn't working in one spot (not a huge deal, but I figured hey, you wanna fix it and make me comfortable, go right ahead!), but wow..am I glad I decided to do that. Went from the pain of contractions to being able to relax a bit and just putting up with constant shaking. I got the epidural around maybe 3ish? I was 4 cm dilated at that point. They checked me at 5 and I was 9cm. Guess that's why they had to beef up the epidural dose...transition happened nearly immediately and I am sure I would have lost my mind in pain if I hadn't have gotten the drugs right then. It was really the only window of opportunity I guess in retrospect. My doc came in at 530, declared me 10cm dilated, and we started the pushing around 545ish....after a few minutes of "practice" pushing, I figured I may as well give it all I had and use my fitness to get this baby out ASAP! Jonathan got to help out by holding one of my legs/feet, which he was glad for. 25 minutes of hard pushing later, Amaris showed up and amazed the world with her unanticipated size-and sex.

All in all....again, I cannot complain. No screaming , yelling, freaking out-before or after the drugs kicked in. Everyone was calm and helpful. What an amazingly smooth pregnancy and delivery, and so far, awesome recovery. God is gracious. And now we have this "little" girl...I said when we came into the hospital a girl was my prediction, my doc said the same. But it was still a shock to learn that this baby was, in fact, a girl. The "odds were against" such a thing..from 25 years with no girls born on my maternal side, to 3 out of the 4 new Ruiz family babies being boys, it was pretty surprising to have a "she" show up. I think the moms (grandmoms) were pleased to not have to deal with the name "Onyn." Just wasn't meant to be!

Anyhow..time to go prepare to go home. Quite ready for that, this room is a boring place after so many hours. Ug. And its pretty exciting to be taking home our little "Padawan" (sorry, we are in a serious Star Wars phase right now...) and beginning new life as a family of 3 instead of 2 and having a human baby instead of only cats. Thanks so much, everyone, for all of your support and for sharing in our joy. Seriously, much of our own joy comes from seeing how excited everyone else gets and how a little baby lights up the world for everyone around her. It's a wild thing. If you're in the area and want to stop and meet Amaris definitely go for it. Maybe we'll try to keep up blogging again now that we'll have more exciting pictures and stories than "oh we're still waiting." !

The Waiting Game

Well...we're still waiting. Which sounds obvious because our "due date" is still a week and a half away. It's just such an ambiguous due date I have little confidence in its accuracy. And then even if it is "accurate", it's not like someone comes and knocks on my uterus asking the baby to make his way out on that specific date.

ug. Up until now, Jonathan and I have both been pretty good at just letting this take its time, come as it may, etc. Now that the "signs" are showing up and really the only "Sign" i'm still waiting for other than the actual contractions would be my water breaking-everything else has either happened or is in full progress-it's tough to just sit here and think hmm...how is this going to go down. I'm not nervous or anxious, I think I'm just becoming rather impatient. We're in that phase now of going to bed at night knowing we won't sleep much because every time I wake up I wonder and Jonathan either consciously or subconsciously wonders if its because I'm having contractions or because I have to pee for the 300th time. I don't know which little "pains" and cramp-feelings to pay attention to and attempt to time and which ones to ignore so I don't get excited....sheesh. Guess we have to somehow go back to being sort of apathetic and just letting things happen in their own time, trusting that we'll just "know". My next doctor appointment is scheduled for next Wednesday morning. MAYBE we'll at least go before then...our new friend Shemicka Asom from our small group study at church is a nurse in the "baby unit" at our hospital, and she works today during the day, so it would be nice to go today! Staci reminded us that Logan is still routing for the baby to arrive on his birthday, which is this Sunday, which would also be fun.

ANYHOW...that's all for now. Still hoping this will be the last post before the "birth announcement" but WHO KNOWS! :) Time to work on patience...

Likely the last...

This is likely the last post before this baby arrives, or at least we can announce labor has begun. 37 weeks and 3 days. I decided I should take a few last pictures of prego world (glad to be leaving this stage behind!) and added some of the nursery as well, since it's essentially finished.

I've gained about 35 lbs, whether the rest of the world notices it or not (aside from the bump), I do, and I'm ready to return to "normal". Ug...35 extra pounds on a bike is quite noticeable. The most I can hope for is that riding will feel amazingly easy once it's all gone! I will be able to climb small hills without knowing they're hills and hopefully be able to tackle large ones and just be familiar with the pain. Ha. No major swelling...my feet are still my feet, my hands are mostly the same, though I did take off my wedding band and engagement ring and am wearing Jonathan's engagement ring instead. I do not enjoy the feeling of rings being even the slightest bit tight, so his has been a relief. No stretch marks! Wohoo! At the beginning of this pregnancy, I realized that stretch marks were a likely possibility and simply unpreventable, so I resigned myself to the fact that it could happen. Needless to say, I am quite happy that they never showed up.

I guess I still look fairly normal from the back...which may be why I get shocked expressions when people walk past and then happen to turn around. Certainly not normal from the front...
The nursery is just about complete, aside from a few finishing touches like the wall above the crib, adding some fun pictures, etc. Oh, and a rug.

Little bookshelf to house the "library" we developed thanks to everyone who attended the baby shower. My mom sewed the valances. Rocking chair is essential of course...we went the route of using a classic old wooden one we inherited from family friends instead of the $500 gliders we've seen at Baby's R Us (though they do look quite comfy!).

Every child's room must have a rocking horse of course! My mom found this one at a yard sale. can't quite see it...but we also put a toybox in here that I had when I was a little kid. this room is an eclectic mix of "memorabilia" and modern necessities I guess.

This is our awesome mobile that Adam brought back from Kenya for us. Seriously, is this not THE coolest mobile you could possibly have? And it even fits with the "jungle friends" theme of the bedding. 3 Tiered mobile...I still can't get over this thing.

Crib...hamper...pretty self explanatory. Happy little jungle animals.

Ikea dresser with the changing pad. Hanging up are the slings my mom got us-she made the green one. The wooden calendar hanging on the wall was a prize that Jonathan picked out at our family reunion Bingo game. I haven't completely put it together yet, but it's a fun addition.

So, we are set. Not featured in the pictures are the stroller, pack and play, etc, which are also ready to be used. We even put the carseats in this week, that felt bizarre. I have this fear of carseats being insanely complicated, but was glad to learn that they've either been simplified over the years and aren't that difficult, or I was just living under false assumptions. Either way, it wasn't that hard to figure out, though...it's weird having them there, especially when we're throwing bikes in the back and it's not quite as easy to fold seats down!

I have a doc appointment at 11:30, so I guess I'll post any news from that if it's important. Otherwise, realistically (since we just don't blog much!), the next post will probably announce whether this baby is a boy or girl and have more entertaining pictures from his/her arrival.